“Inspector Gadget's Biggest Caper Ever”

“You've got guys in charge of shows who probably went to school for chemistry, and now they're executive producers.”

"I ain't lyin'!"

“Whatever success I've had, I always like to top it.”

"I thought those kids were just spoiled, but all this time they just wanted to go back to the projects. Isn't that the stupidest thing you ever heard? Oh, those beautiful, stupid kids."

"You got Dracula - a wooden stake; Wolfman - a silver bullet. But little boys, a belt. But I've been stripped of my weapons. Wait a minute. I don't need a belt."

"Do not touch my TV, my DVD, my stereo, my dual-deck VCR. Do not touch my old school, my new school, my slow jams, my party jams, my happy rap, and you better not touch...[voice breaks]...My James Brown."

"I had a white guy tell me... he said, "Bern, why do black folks use the word 'mother-fucker?'" Let me break it down, what the word "mother-fucker" actually means. "Mother-fucker" is a word that black folks have been using for years. It's about expression. Don't be ashamed of the word "mother-fucker." Because "mother-fucker" is a noun: It describes a person, place or thing."

“When I get a chance to play golf or go on a boat with good people, take the boat out and put some lobsters on the grill, get the ice-cold beer and the cigars - that's heaven here on earth.”



Bernie Mac (1957-2008)

***

I'll miss you Bernie. I ain't lyin'.

Tags: bernie mac, death
Feelin': sad

"I'm not giving anything back to the community. You know why? Because I didn't take nothing. You can search my fucking house."

"I drive kind of recklessly, I take a lot of chances, I never repair my vehicle, and I don't believe in traffic laws. So I tend to have quite a high number of traffic accidents."

"I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will beat 9 people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat 9 people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time."

"Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say "I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandmother". He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old."

"So I say live and let live. That's my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy but it's always worked in our family."

"And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home. I sit there laughing and they go to waste."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."

"Religion has actually conviced people that there's an invisible man. Living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day of your life. And he has a list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any, any, of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and ash and torture where he will send you to suffer and burn and scream and cry forever and ever until the end of time. ... But he loves you."

"Raising a child is not difficult, you just have to follow the steps. Step One: you take the kid, and you put him on the street corner, and you leave him there. Come back a week later, if the kid's still there ya got yourself a stupid fucking kid. And then you proceed from that point."

"I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to."

"You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up."

"It's all bullshit, folks, and it's bad for ya."


George Carlin (1937-2008)

***

Goodbye George. Thanks for introducing me to comedy.

Tags: death, george carlin
Feelin': sad

Heading back for Christmas, waiting in O'Hare. I hear that familiar accent and know I'm almost home.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Tags: minnesota
Feelin': calm

The kitten I brought home and fed was brought the next day to Petsmart, where one of the Vet Techs informed me that she had a cat that had just given birth and that she would put the kitten (Murph, as she was named because I thought she was a boy at first) in with the rest of the litter. Things went swimmingly at first. The mother accepted little Murph and let her nurse with the other newborns, which Murph happily did for a two days.

And then she died suddenly.



Rest in peace, little Murph. I wanted better things for you. It was not to be, but I'll never forget you anyway.

Tags: death, kitten
Feelin': crushed

So what did you do tonight? Me? Not much....just found a cat in the bushes that was crying and took it to my house and with the help of varanid via AIM we got the umbilical  chord removed and got it eating.  It's now curled up asleep next to me while I type this post here.  What's that? You want pictures?  Well...ok!


Sleeping!

Tags: kitten
Feelin': accomplished

Hey y'all,

If anyone wonders, I'm over at boutell helping out with the 24 hour blogathon. You can catch my posts from 3:30am onward.

-Jon

You've gotta have in incredibly small penis to buy a bright yellow corvette.

"The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way—all of them who have tried to secularize America—I point the finger in their face and say "you helped this happen."

"Thank God for these gay demonstrators. If I didn't have them, I'd have to invent them. They give me all the publicity I need."

"I think Muhammad was a terrorist. I read enough by both Muslims and non-Muslims, [to decide] that he was a violent man, a man of war."

"I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!"

"If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being."



Jerry Falwell (1933-2007)

***

So long Jerry.  You've been preaching hate in the name of God for so long now, and I seriously hope there's a special place in a lake of fire for you.

Tags: death
Feelin': ecstatic

"This is a novel somewhat in the telegraphic schizophrenic manner of tales of the planet Tralfamadore, where the flying saucers come from. Peace."

"Ideas or the lack of them can cause disease."

"I will come to a time in my backwards trip when November eleventh, accidentally my birthday, was a sacred day called Armistice Day. When I was a boy, and when Dwayne Hoover was a boy, all the people of all the nations which had fought in the First World War were silent during the eleventh minute of the eleventh hour of Armistice Day, which was the eleventh day of the eleventh month.
It was during that minute in nineteen hundred and eighteen, that millions upon millions of human beings stopped butchering one another. I have talked to old men who were on battlefields during that minute. They have told me in one way or another that the sudden silence was the Voice of God. So we still have among us some men who can remember when God spoke clearly to mankind."

"Armistice Day has become Veterans' Day. Armistice Day was sacred. Veterans' Day is not."

"We are healthy only to the extent that our ideas are humane."

"I do feel that evolution is being controlled by some sort of divine engineer. I can't help thinking that. And this engineer knows exactly what he or she is doing and why, and where evolution is headed. That’s why we’ve got giraffes and hippopotami and the clap."

"If I should ever die, God forbid, let this be my epitaph:

THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDED
FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD
WAS MUSIC"

"History is merely a list of surprises. It can only prepare us to be surprised yet again."

"If you really want to hurt your parents, and you don’t have the nerve to be a homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts. But do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites, standing for absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college."

"Isaac is in heaven now, that was the funniest thing I could have said to a crowd of Humanists. God Forbid, Should I pass on sometime, may all of you say that Kurt is in Heaven too."

"If you can do no good, at least do no harm."

"What is the meaning of life?

To be
the eyes
and ears
and conscience
of the Creator of the Universe,
you fool."

"Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt."



Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

***

Rest in peace, Mr. Vonnegut.  Thank you for giving me so many wonderful works.

Tags: death, kurt vonnegut
Feelin': sad

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."

"If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second career."

"My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a bitch."

"I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, OK, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future."

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, As much as I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, it just isn't cold enough, let's go west."

"It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!"

"Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!"

"The way I see life, is like we're all flying on the Hindenburg...Why fight over the window seats?"



Richard Jeni (1957-2007)

***

Rest in peace, Richard. You were a funny, funny guy.

Tags: death, richard jeni
Feelin': sad

It had to happen eventually, right? If you want to be my friend, comment and I shall make it so.

"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers."

"I'd like to make you laugh for about ten minutes though I'm gonna be on for an hour."

"I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying till I get it right. "

"When you ain't got no money, you gotta get an attitude."

"When I was on vacation in Africa, I went out in the country. Where you see some lions and shit. I'm talking about real lions, not them kind you be fucking with in the zoo."

"You'd be making out with a girl...dick get harder then times in '29."

"I like makin' love myself, and I can make love for about three minutes. I do about three minutes of serious fuckin', then I need eight hours sleep! And a bowl of Wheaties!"

"When that fire hit your ass, it will sober your ass up *quick*! I saw something, I went, 'Well, that's a pretty blue. You know what? That looks like *fire*!' Fire is inspirational. They should use it in the Olympics, because I ran the 100 in 4.3."

"I'm not addicted to cocaine...I just like the way it smells"

"I went to penitentiary one time, not me personally, but me and Gene went there for a movie. "Arizona State Penitentiary" Population: 90 percent black people. But there are no black people in Arizona, they have to bus motherfuckers in!"

"Fuck'n is good for you, jack. Gettin some pussy beats having a war."

"When I was in Africa, this voice came to me and said, 'Richard, what do you see?' I said, 'I see all types of people.' The voice said, 'But do you see any niggers?' I said, 'No.' It said, 'Do you know why? Cause there aren't any.'"





Richard Pryor (1940-2005)

***

God bless you, Richard Pryor. You were my hero.

Tags: death, richard pryor
Feelin': crushed

"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right."

"Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets."

"I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military."

"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

"I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes."

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

"I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying..."

"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

"So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny."

"Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got motherfucker, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up.'"

"Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree."





-Mitch Hedberg 1968-2005

***

Rest in peace, Mitch. I hope the party in Heaven is as good as the one on Earth.

Tags: death
Feelin': sad
Hearin': Mitch all together, by Mitch Hedberg

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."



-Rodney Dangerfield 1921-2004

***

Rest in peace, Rodney. You've always had my respect.

Tags: death
Feelin': gloomy
Hearin': Caddyshack

And now, answering minisinoo's Power Swap Challange, mainly thanks to a plot bunny delivered to me by obiwago, I present to you...

( Abnormality )

Tags: fic
Feelin': calm
Hearin': Just Dropped In, by Kenny Rogers and the First edition